I, like most other people, search here and there, near and far for something, ANYTHING to fill that hole in my heart. You may not yet be acquainted with that hole but it’s there. It’s the one that tells you need to be richer, thinner, more successful, striving, in a relationship, married, divorced, a parent, highly educated, or anything other thing that will make you better, make you different than you are now.
But all of that is a lie. The hole in your heart will not ever be filled by anything you do to fill it. And that’s why you’re over drinking, over eating, over spending, or on social media too much, doing anything that gives you some relief from that message that you’re not enough right now, as you are.
You are all you’ll ever be and and anything you’ve ever wanted to be is already inside of you. Now is the time to stop trying to fix yourself. There is nothing you have to “DO”. Instead, it’s time to be. Be yourself. Be present.
Be aware of the hole in your heart that is yours to heal through simple awareness of it and presence.
Be. Here. Now. There is no future that will heal you and no past that wounds you. Just timeless presence to what is right now.
Practice that for long enough and all the thoughts you have about being better and the utter suffering that arises from that will simply vanish. It will be replaced by boundless joy for longer and longer moments.
Why have you set your sights on a goal? What is the motivation that is driving you? Do you have a big enough vision for that goal? One that will carry you through the times where you don’t get any “wins”?
These are important questions for yourself because it’s better to have the over riding vision to help boost you when times get tough. And times will get tough. The weight won’t fall off one week. Or one month. You’ll be seriously and perhaps unfairly criticized. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll miss the mark.
No One Does It Perfectly
No one does it perfectly and that’s not the point anyway. The point is to set your sights on something that will help you grow into the person we were meant to be. The goal is the journey, and to a lesser extent, the destination.
What Is Your Why To Get You Through It?
So if the scale doesn’t change? If your bank account is still too small? If your emails don’t get opened? If you don’t get the promotion? Do you quit? Do you throw in the towel?
Or do you sit down after a moment (or 10) when you acknowledge your disappointment and then remember you’ve made a commitment to the end result? Do you analyze what went sideways and create a new plan on how to handle the adversity?
Do The Model on A Thought
A great way to assess what happened is to do a model on your thought about what happened and what you’re making it mean.
So the scale didn’t change. Are you making it mean that you’ll never lose weight and so now is the time to throw the plan out the window and eat yourself sick? Or do assess what it is going on without judgement or self-pity and make the best decision you can with the current information you have.
Planning For Setbacks and Headwinds
In making your plan for a path forward, just remember that you’ll have setbacks, days where you’re sick and tired, moments when you do or say the thing you didn’t mean to do or say. Plan for it. Visualize yourself in a situation where things are falling to pieces and you still are the calm center in the eye of the storm because you know you’ve got this.
Above All, Don’t Quit
For sure the way you won’t succeed at whatever you’re trying to accomplish is if you quit and if you get a habit of quitting when things are hard.
Quitting quitting is a great first step. Make commitment you want and make quitting not an option. It simply isn’t something you do anymore.
Pure joy- My daughter enjoying her new swimsuit (last year in Ubud)
Have you taken the time to assess your life and all the changes the pandemic has brought to your life?
My partner and I made the decision to self isolate as a family in mid- March so we’re coming up on two months of a radically changed lifestyle.
To be clear, my partner is able to work from home, my business is internet-based, and we have young kids so for us the self-isolation doesn’t mean that much change, for which we are thankful. We aren’t having too much about worry about a loss of income or at all about getting our kids to finish their school year.
For us, the biggest changes in our routine have been stopping the kids from going to playgrounds (indoor and out), no camping, no more hiking the Appalachian Trail because apparently it’s a mob scene out there, and no more visiting family and friends.
The other big effect for us has been the mental and emotional stress of worrying about the health of everyone in the world, the financial impact of this on our friends and family here and abroad and on societies in general, and when will this end.
I took a big emotional hit personally when I heard – in early April- that Virginia was extending the lock down through June 10th. It took me a week to recover from the stress of that, imagining that I couldn’t cope with such an extended lockdown. And I find myself worrying about whether school will open in the fall for me kids to attend school and what we’ll do if it doesn’t (and even if it does). So much fretting about the future, over situations I have no control over and knowing that worry doesn’t help.
But like most changes, we slowly begin to accept the new normal. And in looking at the data, we’ve made the decision to continue with our own personal lock-down for the foreseeable future.
I’ve been ruminating recently about what this lockdown has shown me about the way I’ve been living my life, in automatic mode.
I see that:
I set myself such a busy schedule that I’ve been rushing to to get my kids to playgrounds, to visit my Dad, to make sure the kids’ lives are enriched. So much rushing and all of it unnecessary.
My kids love being home with us, getting our attention. They don’t always need more stimulation. They just want attention.
I miss people and hugs and human interaction.
My habits needed a spring cleaning so that I’m spending more time doing what I want to do rather than feel overwhelmed by all the things I’m not doing, in order to meet my busy schedule.
Planning food for the week, including a menu and buying to the menu at a once weekly trip to the store, is easy, efficient, massively reduces food waste, saves time and trips to the store, and enables me keep to my plan when I’m tired.
I spent way too much time on my phone/on apps.
I love routines that support me and I can build routines from nearly any new change.
Now that we’ve nestled in to our new normal, I’m so grateful for all of the positive aspects I’ve learned and insights I’ve gained from what I call the Great Pause.
We almost always fear great upheaval. In this case, I wouldn’t wish the deaths and financial stress on anyone anywhere. I know this is hard for so many.
I am, by nature, an optimist and I always try to see what good any change brings me. For me, this Pause has given me many gifts and I’m grateful for them.
What’s Your Mental Model: Enjoying sunset in Nusa Lembongan- Bali
Of the many things I’m grateful for from listening to Brooke Castillo’s work is her effective and concise distillation of the various approaches to upgrading our thoughts and our beliefs into what she calls the Model.
As you may know, there is a vast subconscious part of your brain that is constantly filling in missing details to make a coherent story out your reality, including helping you ignore facts and data that are in conflict with your current belief system and thoughts.
Your brain is constantly trying to optimize its processes to make much of your daily routine so efficient that you do much of it without conscious thought. Take, for instance, brushing your teeth. Or driving to work. How often do brush your teeth consciously, without dropping into future or past focused thoughts? Do you stand there, two times a day, and think about exactly which tooth you’re brushing and then carefully go on to the next tooth? Or do you, in fact, brush your teeth while your mind wanders to the future or the past, only to come back to the task at the end to make sure you’ve (probably) gotten all your teeth and to rinse and end the session?
And how often are you driving to work without your mind dropping into future or past focused thoughts? Likely not often, except in instances that require you to be fully present, like unusually high traffic, noticing a police car, etc.
This is by design. Your brain is optimizing all of your routine tasks so that it runs on autopilot, allowing your brain to both spend the least amount of energy and so that you don’t expend your finite amounts of focus and willpower on routines that don’t require focus and willpower.
Further, the brain can’t focus on everything so there is a process in your brain that constrains all the input from your ears, eyes, and other senses that allow for it to filter out data that isn’t required and to stop the data from becoming something you’re consciously aware of. Think of your (now subconscious) beliefs and thoughts as gateways to your conscious brain and almost anything that doesn’t fit into your beliefs and thoughts are not allowed access to your conscious thoughts.
So you must choose beliefs and thoughts that serve you. Are your thoughts and beliefs the best ones you can choose? If there are some, or many, that can be improved to help you live a happier and more joyful life, one that feels more authentic and purposeful, the Model is a great tool to help you unearth your current thinking and instead change your thoughts to those that serve you better.
A quick note, Brooke Castillo has stated that the Model‘s precepts are like gravity- no one invented gravity or can patent it, it’s just the way things work. And her Model is one way of explaining how the brain works. So she encourages wide dissemination and usage of it. We all have full permission to use it.
The Model
The Model is as follows: there is a circumstance in your life that is entirely neutral. It is. You have loads of money. Or you have loads of debt. You weigh more than you’d like. Or your maintaining your goal weight easily and effortlessly. Trump is President. There is a pandemic. On and on with current reality. It just is.
However, what you think about that circumstance is totally up to you and your thoughts drive your feelings when you think that thought, your actions are based on those feelings, and the results are derived from your actions.
Here’s the not surprising ending: your thoughts about a circumstance drive your feelings and subsequent actions and usually gets results that reinforce the thoughts about the circumstance- so your results almost always remain constant and are the same.
The Model is written as follows:
Circumstance (C): neutral facts that can be verified
Thoughts (T): your thoughts about the C
Feelings (F): the feelings that come up based on your T
Actions (A): the actions that you take from the F based on the T
Results (R): what happens after the action taken
An Example of the Model:
Because weight loss is easy to model and so many people invest massive amounts of thought, will, time, money and energy into losing weight, it’s a good example.
Unintentional Thoughts about Weight Loss Model:
C: I’ve never been able to sustain my weight loss for more than a few months.
Note: this is a fact. Thoughts such as “weight loss is hard for me” or “I should weight 135 lbs” or “I want to weigh 135 lbs” or “I’m not good at losing weight” are not circumstances and possibly aren’t true. Certainly they are not neutral facts. All of those are thoughts. And any judgements about this circumstance is a thought.
T: I’ve never been able to lose weight easily. Weight loss is really hard for me and I’m not sure I can do it.
Note: This is what may come up for you when you take the neutral circumstance. There may be many thoughts that you’ll want to model in order to upgrade and change them.
F: Anger. Blame (on your parents, your genes, your past). Victimization. Blame. Lack of control, of pleasure. Deprivation.
Note: The thought that” losing weight is hard for you” doesn’t serve you and instead drives a lot of disempowering feelings. I can see no empowering feelings flowing from a thought that weight loss is hard.
A: Trying a new diet and cheating on it. Cheating on the new plan and then quitting the plan. Changing to a new plan. Not planning on all.
Note: the actions the flow from disempowering thoughts and feeling are going to keep you stuck and, in fact, continue to reinforce the thought that weight loss is hard.
R: Weight loss either doesn’t happen or isn’t sustained (reinforcing the thought and the associated belief)
Intentional Thoughts about Weight Loss Model:
C: I’ve never been able to sustain my weight loss for more than a few months.
Note: The circumstance shouldn’t change. You’re not trying to change the circumstances to suit your thoughts. You’re trying to change your thoughts about the circumstances to better thoughts. Trying to change your circumstances helps you avoid your disempowering thoughts, which lead to continued disempowering feelings, actions, and suboptimal results.
T: What’s happened in that past has no bearing on my ability to lose weight.
OR I’ve never understood what’s driving my self-sabotage and now I do/will.
OR I’m absolutely committed to losing weight. I will not quit on myself.
OR I now trust myself to follow my new plan.
Note: Any of these thoughts are better and lead to much more empowered feelings and actions. You do have to believe these new thoughts, which may take some work and additional thought modeling before you can truly believe them. It’s ok. You have the time and there is no rush to live your best life. The process is the point.
F: Powerful. Committed. Loving. Resilient. Responsible. Focused (Etc). Willing to fail and keep to the plan.
Note: These feelings help you take feel good and take action from a much better place. These feelings don’t drive actions that keep the status quo.
A: Quit dieting and commit to a new way of eating. Take stock of current eating without judgement. Stumble through a cheat and immediately recommit. Try a new supportive podcast to keep me motivated. Create a plan for eating that is achievable from where I am now. Continue examining my thoughts and beliefs.
Note: With actions stemming from powerful feelings, you can continue to reach for better feeling thoughts that keep driving better actions and results. Follow your thoughts and keep doing the model!
R: A more permanent change about examining my thoughts. A better outlook. Better feelings and likely -weight loss.
The Key Is to Manage Your Thoughts
The truth is that the mind likes routine, no matter the routine. It take some planning, new thought, and commitment to surmount the mind’s preference for an old routine. But once the new, more supportive routine has been practiced enough times, then the mind is fine with that new routine being the new normal. It’s a bit tricky, but you can change your thinking and change your life.
Practice and Write It Down
I suggest practicing with the Model on a daily basis for 30 days, minimum, or habitually for the rest of your life as you’ll continue to uncover thoughts that don’t serve you. You can first write down your current thoughts in a stream of consciousness way in a journal. Then choose any of them that speak to you and do the Model on that thought.
It’s important to write it down so that it’s there in black and white and that your brain doesn’t trip you up with vague or sloppy thinking. Which it so wants to do to keep you from changing the current routine. Your brain is looking at your life and saying, “you’re not dead or in danger so that is working. Don’t change it. You may be miserable and unhappy but you’re not dead.” So it’s happy to keep tricking you. Writing it down helps your conscious mind see the truth.
This is a simple, quick overview and I hope it helps. I love it and use it daily myself.
Have you ever noticed what your habits are in regards to discomfort? The first time I was asked to think on my relationship and habits with discomfort, I was in a yoga class with a really gifted teacher, Nadine McNeil. She had us in a position where we started out in child’s pose and then had us move our arms into prayer position above our head, but on a block in front of us- if you can imagine that. It was intensely uncomfortable on my triceps and shoulders and after just a few moments, I wanted to move away from the pose. Nadine told us then that it was incredibly uncomfortable but it was an important pose for flexibility and asked us to use the moment to reflect on our habits in regards to discomfort.
I’ve often asked myself this questions in the months since. This morning during my meditation session, my shoulder, hips, and ankles were protesting about staying in the meditation pose. I nearly quit but then I remembered to ask myself about my commitment and my ability to endure discomfort (not pain!) to get to my goal. And so I stayed meditating and not surprisingly, when I recommitted to my meditation practice and told myself it was just 20 more minutes, most of my aches went away. I was able to easily make it another 13 minutes before sensations of discomfort again arose. And then it was just 7 more minutes and then it was done.
Revealing My Blindspots
I love it when my everyday life awakens me to habits and thoughts that have been mostly unconscious to me. In this case, meditation for over an hour is important to me because my meditation practice really deepens after about 45 minutes so the remaining 35 minutes are much more peaceful and centered than the swirling maelstrom of thoughts and idea of the initial 45 minutes.I want that more than I want to stop the discomfort of the moment.
Our Primitive Brain’s Message
Often our primitive brain wants use to move away from discomfort. It’s in the driver’s seat when we’re not present and shining the light of consciousness on our every day acts. It’s one of our primitive brain’s purpose- to keep us safe. But without experiencing discomfort (not pain!), we don’t grow. We never get out of our comfort zone and we never really can master anything new without experience some initial discomfort- right up until it becomes our new normal.
Start Noticing Today
Start noticing how automatic it’s become to move away from any discomfort, physical or mental. Notice it without judgement. And then begin to lean into the discomfort, little by little. Soon enough, it’ll be your new normal and you can uplevel your baseline.
