Why have you set your sights on a goal? What is the motivation that is driving you? Do you have a big enough vision for that goal? One that will carry you through the times where you don’t get any “wins”?
These are important questions for yourself because it’s better to have the over riding vision to help boost you when times get tough. And times will get tough. The weight won’t fall off one week. Or one month. You’ll be seriously and perhaps unfairly criticized. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll miss the mark.
No One Does It Perfectly
No one does it perfectly and that’s not the point anyway. The point is to set your sights on something that will help you grow into the person we were meant to be. The goal is the journey, and to a lesser extent, the destination.
What Is Your Why To Get You Through It?
So if the scale doesn’t change? If your bank account is still too small? If your emails don’t get opened? If you don’t get the promotion? Do you quit? Do you throw in the towel?
Or do you sit down after a moment (or 10) when you acknowledge your disappointment and then remember you’ve made a commitment to the end result? Do you analyze what went sideways and create a new plan on how to handle the adversity?
Do The Model on A Thought
A great way to assess what happened is to do a model on your thought about what happened and what you’re making it mean.
So the scale didn’t change. Are you making it mean that you’ll never lose weight and so now is the time to throw the plan out the window and eat yourself sick? Or do assess what it is going on without judgement or self-pity and make the best decision you can with the current information you have.
Planning For Setbacks and Headwinds
In making your plan for a path forward, just remember that you’ll have setbacks, days where you’re sick and tired, moments when you do or say the thing you didn’t mean to do or say. Plan for it. Visualize yourself in a situation where things are falling to pieces and you still are the calm center in the eye of the storm because you know you’ve got this.
Above All, Don’t Quit
For sure the way you won’t succeed at whatever you’re trying to accomplish is if you quit and if you get a habit of quitting when things are hard.
Quitting quitting is a great first step. Make commitment you want and make quitting not an option. It simply isn’t something you do anymore.
Pure joy- My daughter enjoying her new swimsuit (last year in Ubud)
Have you taken the time to assess your life and all the changes the pandemic has brought to your life?
My partner and I made the decision to self isolate as a family in mid- March so we’re coming up on two months of a radically changed lifestyle.
To be clear, my partner is able to work from home, my business is internet-based, and we have young kids so for us the self-isolation doesn’t mean that much change, for which we are thankful. We aren’t having too much about worry about a loss of income or at all about getting our kids to finish their school year.
For us, the biggest changes in our routine have been stopping the kids from going to playgrounds (indoor and out), no camping, no more hiking the Appalachian Trail because apparently it’s a mob scene out there, and no more visiting family and friends.
The other big effect for us has been the mental and emotional stress of worrying about the health of everyone in the world, the financial impact of this on our friends and family here and abroad and on societies in general, and when will this end.
I took a big emotional hit personally when I heard – in early April- that Virginia was extending the lock down through June 10th. It took me a week to recover from the stress of that, imagining that I couldn’t cope with such an extended lockdown. And I find myself worrying about whether school will open in the fall for me kids to attend school and what we’ll do if it doesn’t (and even if it does). So much fretting about the future, over situations I have no control over and knowing that worry doesn’t help.
But like most changes, we slowly begin to accept the new normal. And in looking at the data, we’ve made the decision to continue with our own personal lock-down for the foreseeable future.
I’ve been ruminating recently about what this lockdown has shown me about the way I’ve been living my life, in automatic mode.
I see that:
I set myself such a busy schedule that I’ve been rushing to to get my kids to playgrounds, to visit my Dad, to make sure the kids’ lives are enriched. So much rushing and all of it unnecessary.
My kids love being home with us, getting our attention. They don’t always need more stimulation. They just want attention.
I miss people and hugs and human interaction.
My habits needed a spring cleaning so that I’m spending more time doing what I want to do rather than feel overwhelmed by all the things I’m not doing, in order to meet my busy schedule.
Planning food for the week, including a menu and buying to the menu at a once weekly trip to the store, is easy, efficient, massively reduces food waste, saves time and trips to the store, and enables me keep to my plan when I’m tired.
I spent way too much time on my phone/on apps.
I love routines that support me and I can build routines from nearly any new change.
Now that we’ve nestled in to our new normal, I’m so grateful for all of the positive aspects I’ve learned and insights I’ve gained from what I call the Great Pause.
We almost always fear great upheaval. In this case, I wouldn’t wish the deaths and financial stress on anyone anywhere. I know this is hard for so many.
I am, by nature, an optimist and I always try to see what good any change brings me. For me, this Pause has given me many gifts and I’m grateful for them.
What’s Your Mental Model: Enjoying sunset in Nusa Lembongan- Bali
Of the many things I’m grateful for from listening to Brooke Castillo’s work is her effective and concise distillation of the various approaches to upgrading our thoughts and our beliefs into what she calls the Model.
As you may know, there is a vast subconscious part of your brain that is constantly filling in missing details to make a coherent story out your reality, including helping you ignore facts and data that are in conflict with your current belief system and thoughts.
Your brain is constantly trying to optimize its processes to make much of your daily routine so efficient that you do much of it without conscious thought. Take, for instance, brushing your teeth. Or driving to work. How often do brush your teeth consciously, without dropping into future or past focused thoughts? Do you stand there, two times a day, and think about exactly which tooth you’re brushing and then carefully go on to the next tooth? Or do you, in fact, brush your teeth while your mind wanders to the future or the past, only to come back to the task at the end to make sure you’ve (probably) gotten all your teeth and to rinse and end the session?
And how often are you driving to work without your mind dropping into future or past focused thoughts? Likely not often, except in instances that require you to be fully present, like unusually high traffic, noticing a police car, etc.
This is by design. Your brain is optimizing all of your routine tasks so that it runs on autopilot, allowing your brain to both spend the least amount of energy and so that you don’t expend your finite amounts of focus and willpower on routines that don’t require focus and willpower.
Further, the brain can’t focus on everything so there is a process in your brain that constrains all the input from your ears, eyes, and other senses that allow for it to filter out data that isn’t required and to stop the data from becoming something you’re consciously aware of. Think of your (now subconscious) beliefs and thoughts as gateways to your conscious brain and almost anything that doesn’t fit into your beliefs and thoughts are not allowed access to your conscious thoughts.
So you must choose beliefs and thoughts that serve you. Are your thoughts and beliefs the best ones you can choose? If there are some, or many, that can be improved to help you live a happier and more joyful life, one that feels more authentic and purposeful, the Model is a great tool to help you unearth your current thinking and instead change your thoughts to those that serve you better.
A quick note, Brooke Castillo has stated that the Model‘s precepts are like gravity- no one invented gravity or can patent it, it’s just the way things work. And her Model is one way of explaining how the brain works. So she encourages wide dissemination and usage of it. We all have full permission to use it.
The Model
The Model is as follows: there is a circumstance in your life that is entirely neutral. It is. You have loads of money. Or you have loads of debt. You weigh more than you’d like. Or your maintaining your goal weight easily and effortlessly. Trump is President. There is a pandemic. On and on with current reality. It just is.
However, what you think about that circumstance is totally up to you and your thoughts drive your feelings when you think that thought, your actions are based on those feelings, and the results are derived from your actions.
Here’s the not surprising ending: your thoughts about a circumstance drive your feelings and subsequent actions and usually gets results that reinforce the thoughts about the circumstance- so your results almost always remain constant and are the same.
The Model is written as follows:
Circumstance (C): neutral facts that can be verified
Thoughts (T): your thoughts about the C
Feelings (F): the feelings that come up based on your T
Actions (A): the actions that you take from the F based on the T
Results (R): what happens after the action taken
An Example of the Model:
Because weight loss is easy to model and so many people invest massive amounts of thought, will, time, money and energy into losing weight, it’s a good example.
Unintentional Thoughts about Weight Loss Model:
C: I’ve never been able to sustain my weight loss for more than a few months.
Note: this is a fact. Thoughts such as “weight loss is hard for me” or “I should weight 135 lbs” or “I want to weigh 135 lbs” or “I’m not good at losing weight” are not circumstances and possibly aren’t true. Certainly they are not neutral facts. All of those are thoughts. And any judgements about this circumstance is a thought.
T: I’ve never been able to lose weight easily. Weight loss is really hard for me and I’m not sure I can do it.
Note: This is what may come up for you when you take the neutral circumstance. There may be many thoughts that you’ll want to model in order to upgrade and change them.
F: Anger. Blame (on your parents, your genes, your past). Victimization. Blame. Lack of control, of pleasure. Deprivation.
Note: The thought that” losing weight is hard for you” doesn’t serve you and instead drives a lot of disempowering feelings. I can see no empowering feelings flowing from a thought that weight loss is hard.
A: Trying a new diet and cheating on it. Cheating on the new plan and then quitting the plan. Changing to a new plan. Not planning on all.
Note: the actions the flow from disempowering thoughts and feeling are going to keep you stuck and, in fact, continue to reinforce the thought that weight loss is hard.
R: Weight loss either doesn’t happen or isn’t sustained (reinforcing the thought and the associated belief)
Intentional Thoughts about Weight Loss Model:
C: I’ve never been able to sustain my weight loss for more than a few months.
Note: The circumstance shouldn’t change. You’re not trying to change the circumstances to suit your thoughts. You’re trying to change your thoughts about the circumstances to better thoughts. Trying to change your circumstances helps you avoid your disempowering thoughts, which lead to continued disempowering feelings, actions, and suboptimal results.
T: What’s happened in that past has no bearing on my ability to lose weight.
OR I’ve never understood what’s driving my self-sabotage and now I do/will.
OR I’m absolutely committed to losing weight. I will not quit on myself.
OR I now trust myself to follow my new plan.
Note: Any of these thoughts are better and lead to much more empowered feelings and actions. You do have to believe these new thoughts, which may take some work and additional thought modeling before you can truly believe them. It’s ok. You have the time and there is no rush to live your best life. The process is the point.
F: Powerful. Committed. Loving. Resilient. Responsible. Focused (Etc). Willing to fail and keep to the plan.
Note: These feelings help you take feel good and take action from a much better place. These feelings don’t drive actions that keep the status quo.
A: Quit dieting and commit to a new way of eating. Take stock of current eating without judgement. Stumble through a cheat and immediately recommit. Try a new supportive podcast to keep me motivated. Create a plan for eating that is achievable from where I am now. Continue examining my thoughts and beliefs.
Note: With actions stemming from powerful feelings, you can continue to reach for better feeling thoughts that keep driving better actions and results. Follow your thoughts and keep doing the model!
R: A more permanent change about examining my thoughts. A better outlook. Better feelings and likely -weight loss.
The Key Is to Manage Your Thoughts
The truth is that the mind likes routine, no matter the routine. It take some planning, new thought, and commitment to surmount the mind’s preference for an old routine. But once the new, more supportive routine has been practiced enough times, then the mind is fine with that new routine being the new normal. It’s a bit tricky, but you can change your thinking and change your life.
Practice and Write It Down
I suggest practicing with the Model on a daily basis for 30 days, minimum, or habitually for the rest of your life as you’ll continue to uncover thoughts that don’t serve you. You can first write down your current thoughts in a stream of consciousness way in a journal. Then choose any of them that speak to you and do the Model on that thought.
It’s important to write it down so that it’s there in black and white and that your brain doesn’t trip you up with vague or sloppy thinking. Which it so wants to do to keep you from changing the current routine. Your brain is looking at your life and saying, “you’re not dead or in danger so that is working. Don’t change it. You may be miserable and unhappy but you’re not dead.” So it’s happy to keep tricking you. Writing it down helps your conscious mind see the truth.
This is a simple, quick overview and I hope it helps. I love it and use it daily myself.
Lately, I’ve been focusing on my relationship to money. I was listening to a podcast by Brooke Castillo (who’s amazing!) and was talking about money and how you feel about it.
I later sat down and wrote about money: my beliefs, my feelings about money, what I taught about money, my feelings when I spend money, my future expectations, and my past, my stuff, all of it.
I was intrigued with what I learned. Probably the most important belief that I unearthed is that somehow in the past decade or so, I changed my belief about money is that it is something I want because of what it can bring to me, not something I want in and of itself. This was fascinating to me as I was unaware of the effects this change in belief would create.
Consciously, I don’t want any more stuff. I’m tired of having much of the “stuff” in my house and I’m constantly trying to downsize what I have and what I buy. So having money for what it can bring to me doesn’t align with a core belief I now consciously have.
I also want money in and of itself. I want to have money in my savings account and in my other accounts. I see now that I allowed myself to have ideas that money isn’t something to save. And that’s crazy! Of course I want more savings. Lots of saving!
Taking A Look At Your Beliefs
I always think it’s a good thing to take another look at your beliefs, especially if you notice worry or negative feelings arise about the subject. That likely means conflicting beliefs or unhelpful thoughts are swirling in your mind about it.
I find writing down an uncensored stream of consciousness allows me to start to unearth what I’m truly thinking and believing about it. Sometimes, I first come up with questions about the subject to ensure I unearth all that is there.
Re-Decide
Once you know what you’ve allowed into your subconscious, you can re-decide if it’s something you actually want to believe and think. And if it’s not, start to work on a different thought and upgrade your belief about something.
Upgrade Your Beliefs
You can quickly upgrade your belief by deliberately changing your belief to original belief’s opposite. And then start to look for evidence that the opposite is true. Your mind is constantly searching for evidence to support your current belief system- also known as confirmation bias. So you can start to look for evidence of your new belief.
For example, if your current belief is that you can only earn money by working hard and long hours- and you likely have plenty of evidence of that because you’re working hard and long hours- then replace that belief to attracting money is easy and effortless. Then set about looking around for evidence to support that- from your own life or from that in the world.
Ask yourself empowering questions. How can I prove to myself that attracting money is easy and effortless? What are some examples in my life that show me how easy and effortless it is?
Good luck. Have fun blowing your own mind by choosing to believe better more empowering beliefs and seeing the results in your life.
This is something I’ve been mulling over lately. In the past, I’ve assumed my future self will be able to handle all the “mistakes”, bad decisions, over spending, over eating, over drinking, and under disciplined actions I take. I’ve thought that my future self will be wiser, better, richer, smarter, and healthier than current me. Can you relate?
But I see that my future self is dependent on what my current self decides, eats, drinks, spends, and does. My future self can’t be any wiser, smarter, wealthier, or healthier than actions that my current self takes.
So if I overspend now, my future self has to clean up my current self’s debt. If I overeat now, my future self has to deal with excess weight that my current self is willing to mortgage my future with. If I make decisions that cause me to go into debt, into over consuming in any way, then I’ve mortgaged my future self and handicapped her ability to make decisions from a place of abundance.
So I examined my belief and the thinking the supports it, that my future self will be handle my current thought errors and unsupportive decisions. And I made the decision that I want my future self to have a better class of problems, as Tony Robbins has said about the enduring presence of problems. We’ll always have our problems or our challenges, but we can have a better class of them. And I want that for future me.
I’ve written my future self a love letter from me now. I do want her to be healthier, wiser, wealthier, and more joyful than I now. But to do that, I’m tackling the obstacles I see before me now. I’m building muscles on how to be more disciplined and make wiser choices that help me delay gratification, build resilience, and live a life much more inline with our authentic self. I’m stepping away from habits of indulgence and short term thinking towards a life that is centered on the now, I no longer believe my future self can rescue me from habits that don’t support or serve me and yet that I deepen by repeating them day in and day out.
My future self won’t rescue me from myself. Only I can now. Here. In the Now. I’m doing all I can so my future self will be proud, happy, and bettered by the decisions I’m making now.
I love you, future self. Here’s to us and a better class of problems.
