Archive for the ‘Personal Development’ Category

How To Better Understand Self-Sabotage

Written by Kate • May 21, 2020 •
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The Ancient City in Gordes, France

In the past, I’ve been completely overwhelmed by the power of my self-sabotaging behavior. Why was I eating that food when I’m not hungry? Why am I still reading Facebook after two hours when I swore I’d only be on for 15 minutes? Why didn’t I do my yoga today? It was a total mystery to me and one that made me feel quite disempowered.

I thought that because I understand the brain’s reward system and some hacks about how to manage the system and do an end run around it, I had the keys to self sabotaging behavior. But I didn’t and still engaged in behavior that I didn’t intend to.

The Primitive Brain’s Motivational Triad

Then I read/listened to Brooke Castillo’s work about the primitive brain and how, as she puts it, it was created to pursue the live saving triad of motivating us to:

  1. seek pleasure
  2. avoid pain
  3. spend as little energy as possible

Our primitive brain is trying to keep us alive at all costs and as such, it drives us to prioritize short term pleasure, like eating sugar or other highly caloric food, in order to bolster the body’s resources. [This is a much larger discussion but I’m trying to hit the highlights. The brain drives us to seek pleasure to keep us alive, even when life is extremely hard, food is scarce, and the odds are high against our survival. We need a strong counterbalancing force to help us not give up when things get rough.]

Avoiding pain keeps us safe (but small).

And conserving energy is just smart if you never know when a bear might attack you. Rest until you need to get out there again, our brain urges.

Of course, for many of us in the developed world, this ancient way of preserving life against a nature that is red in tooth and claw is no longer necessary (except for the rare occasion) and is, in fact, keeping us living small and constrained lives.

You Can Just Say No

Here was the revelation for me.

When I’d make big plans to change or put myself out there or adopt a new expansive lifestyle change, soon enough I’d get this irresistible urge to stop changing and a lot of thoughts that would tell me in a variety of ways that it was too hard, I wasn’t good enough, I needed to have fun, I needed to rest, and on and on and on. These urges against change were so overwhelming that after using my will power to grit against them, I’d give in.

These thoughts and urges were tricky and I’d try to understand where they were coming from. I’d think they were important and something I needed to listen to because it felt so strong, so real.

Brooke Castillo says that she notices this voice rise up and start the old refrain trying to keep her small, she says something like, “Noted. But we won’t be doing that”.

And that’s all it takes. Noticing what your brain is saying and lovingly saying to the voice, “Noted. But we won’t be doing that”. You can just say No.

A Lesson from Yesterday’s Yoga Session

If you’ve been reading my blogs, you likely have gleaned that I’m a yoga addict. I really do love it although I’m not yet strong enough to do all the asanas I’d like to in a way I’d like to. Like I can’t float forward to a forward bend. I have to step forward. After some trial and error, like focusing on my upper body strength, I know I need to strengthen my core which I’m working on.

So Monday night into Tuesday, I had some GI issues that kept me up for a few hours. I assessed my physical situation early in the morning and realized I needed sleep more than I needed to make time for yoga. And that was a solid decision.

But Wednesday morning, as I started my yoga session, I noticed how tight I was, especially in my right shoulder/rotator cuff. And my brain went off on this riff that went something like “OMG, why do you even try? You didn’t do yoga yesterday and now you’re behind and you’ll never catch up. So just stop doing yoga”. And for a moment, before I shined some consciousness on these thought loops, I actually almost just quit doing yoga. Like my finger started to reach for the pause button.

I then thought to myself, how does quitting my session today help me catch up? And how can I be behind when I’m still practicing? What does being behind in yoga even mean? I don’t want to stop doing yoga. I love yoga.

But the pull to stop expending energy was briefly very strong. I realized it’s just my brain trying to get me to conserve energy even when it’s better that I do the work, to strengthen my body and my mind.

Also, my shoulder hurt so my primitive brain wanted to stop doing the thing that hurt.

The analogy to a toddler is probably way overused but it is accurate. That part of our brain really is so similar to a toddler. So I said to it, “noted, but we’re doing yoga”. And in an instant, when I put quitting off the table, affirmed it wasn’t an option, I felt a surge in energy and my yoga session deepened. Miraculously, my shoulder also felt better and by the end of the session, the pain and tightness had disappeared. And I felt deeply satisfied to have finished that session.

Later, after my yoga session, when I considered vacuuming and mopping my juice stained, food encrusted kitchen floors [do they throw food on the floor for the fun of it?] my primitive brain briefly tried to convince me that reading my book was more important (conserving energy) but I again said, ‘no, these floors are getting clean.” It took a lot longer than I intended. Dinner was late. But my floors are sparkling and I took pleasure in accomplishing what I set out to do. The primitive brain that didn’t want me to do it then took a lot of pride in getting this done. Go figure. And I still was able to read for a bit after the twins went to bed.

It Can Be That SimpleNo, we’re not doing that.

I really can be that simple, just a “no, we’re not doing that”. There are then no urges to resist or expend will power on. Focus on something different than what the toddler brain wants. No need to bargain with, try to understand, or analyze this part of your brain. It can be simply a case of saying, “no, not that. This”.

What Is The Stillness Trying to Tell You?

Written by Kate • May 18, 2020 •
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Our Yard With Our View

I’m reading Glennon Doyle‘s Untamed and I’m mesmerized by her writing, her stories, and the power of her voice. What a book. I highly recommend it.

I got into the bath Friday night after an amazing 4 hour session of mowing our yard, listening to Brooke Castillo’s podcasts. I just love her work and the sense of fellowship to help support me and remember to continue to manage my mind, especially during the COVID-19 lockdown and the isolation it brings. When it’s just you, your partner, and young kids, if you don’t manage your mind, you can slip into old patterns and it can be far too long until you notice you’ve gone unconscious. So I stay frosty and bolstered, listening to Brooke.

And then, in the bath to wash off all that grass and soak my weary yet satisfied bones- I really do love to mow, to get out there in the sun and the solitude and nature- and the fruits of my labor are obvious and immediate with the fresh mow lines and beautiful space for my kids to run and play.

I read the first third of the book in the bath. I was riveted. I was slayed. I got verklempt and I am so profoundly grateful to Glennon for using her time and her voice to create this masterpiece. What a book.

There is a section in the book where she talks about sinking into the space underneath it all, mainly in her meditation sessions but also in her every day life. Her words help outline the inexplicable. If you haven’t ever sunk into the silence and connected with Source/with God, then this might be just an interesting story.

For me, it felt like coming home, chatting with someone who really gets what you’re going through. And her explanation of the results of that connection, that “liquid gold” she talks about. I get that too. For me, it’s not liquid gold, it’s liquid silvery light. But yes, I get her.

The tag line of my website that I established in 2011 is Stillness. Clarity. Purpose. And Glennon talks about how she loves to Be Still and Know. Yes, sister, yes.

What is the stillness trying to help you know?

It’s ok to rest.

Written by Kate • May 15, 2020 •
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Sunrise at Srah Srang

The world can feel a little crazy, even when we’re not in the middle of a pandemic. People protesting wearing masks. People saying this interview was deceptively edited. No, it was this interview from the other side of the aisle that was.

People saying “you people are doing this” and those people saying “are you crazy, you people are doing this”. It kinda makes you wonder about the very nature of reality. But really, it’s just the brain doing what it does: make up stories to fit our current belief system.

It’s your choice to believe your brain or not. But that’s yesterday’s post.

Today I’m just popping in to say it’s ok to take a break, no matter what anyone tells you about that. Take a rest. Breathe. Get a bit of distance in order to get centered and understand the nature of illusion.

The breaks from the sound and fury in your social media feed help you break free from illusion.

And napping helps too. It’ll all be there when you’re rested.

Quit Quitting- How to Stop Quitting

Written by Kate • May 11, 2020 •
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There’s Always a Way Through

Why have you set your sights on a goal? What is the motivation that is driving you? Do you have a big enough vision for that goal? One that will carry you through the times where you don’t get any “wins”?

These are important questions for yourself because it’s better to have the over riding vision to help boost you when times get tough. And times will get tough. The weight won’t fall off one week. Or one month. You’ll be seriously and perhaps unfairly criticized. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll miss the mark.

No One Does It Perfectly

No one does it perfectly and that’s not the point anyway. The point is to set your sights on something that will help you grow into the person we were meant to be. The goal is the journey, and to a lesser extent, the destination.

What Is Your Why To Get You Through It?

So if the scale doesn’t change? If your bank account is still too small? If your emails don’t get opened? If you don’t get the promotion? Do you quit? Do you throw in the towel?

Or do you sit down after a moment (or 10) when you acknowledge your disappointment and then remember you’ve made a commitment to the end result? Do you analyze what went sideways and create a new plan on how to handle the adversity?

Do The Model on A Thought

A great way to assess what happened is to do a model on your thought about what happened and what you’re making it mean.

So the scale didn’t change. Are you making it mean that you’ll never lose weight and so now is the time to throw the plan out the window and eat yourself sick? Or do assess what it is going on without judgement or self-pity and make the best decision you can with the current information you have.

Planning For Setbacks and Headwinds

In making your plan for a path forward, just remember that you’ll have setbacks, days where you’re sick and tired, moments when you do or say the thing you didn’t mean to do or say. Plan for it. Visualize yourself in a situation where things are falling to pieces and you still are the calm center in the eye of the storm because you know you’ve got this.

Above All, Don’t Quit

For sure the way you won’t succeed at whatever you’re trying to accomplish is if you quit and if you get a habit of quitting when things are hard.

Quitting quitting is a great first step. Make commitment you want and make quitting not an option. It simply isn’t something you do anymore.

You can do this. You got this.

Assessing changes to your life- COVID 19 Lockdown

Written by Kate • May 8, 2020 •
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Pure joy- My daughter enjoying her new swimsuit (last year in Ubud)

Have you taken the time to assess your life and all the changes the pandemic has brought to your life?

My partner and I made the decision to self isolate as a family in mid- March so we’re coming up on two months of a radically changed lifestyle.

To be clear, my partner is able to work from home, my business is internet-based, and we have young kids so for us the self-isolation doesn’t mean that much change, for which we are thankful. We aren’t having too much about worry about a loss of income or at all about getting our kids to finish their school year.

For us, the biggest changes in our routine have been stopping the kids from going to playgrounds (indoor and out), no camping, no more hiking the Appalachian Trail because apparently it’s a mob scene out there, and no more visiting family and friends.

The other big effect for us has been the mental and emotional stress of worrying about the health of everyone in the world, the financial impact of this on our friends and family here and abroad and on societies in general, and when will this end.

I took a big emotional hit personally when I heard – in early April- that Virginia was extending the lock down through June 10th. It took me a week to recover from the stress of that, imagining that I couldn’t cope with such an extended lockdown. And I find myself worrying about whether school will open in the fall for me kids to attend school and what we’ll do if it doesn’t (and even if it does). So much fretting about the future, over situations I have no control over and knowing that worry doesn’t help.

But like most changes, we slowly begin to accept the new normal. And in looking at the data, we’ve made the decision to continue with our own personal lock-down for the foreseeable future.

I’ve been ruminating recently about what this lockdown has shown me about the way I’ve been living my life, in automatic mode.

I see that:

  1. I set myself such a busy schedule that I’ve been rushing to to get my kids to playgrounds, to visit my Dad, to make sure the kids’ lives are enriched. So much rushing and all of it unnecessary.
  2. My kids love being home with us, getting our attention. They don’t always need more stimulation. They just want attention.
  3. I miss people and hugs and human interaction.
  4. My habits needed a spring cleaning so that I’m spending more time doing what I want to do rather than feel overwhelmed by all the things I’m not doing, in order to meet my busy schedule.
  5. Planning food for the week, including a menu and buying to the menu at a once weekly trip to the store, is easy, efficient, massively reduces food waste, saves time and trips to the store, and enables me keep to my plan when I’m tired.
  6. I spent way too much time on my phone/on apps.
  7. I love routines that support me and I can build routines from nearly any new change.

Now that we’ve nestled in to our new normal, I’m so grateful for all of the positive aspects I’ve learned and insights I’ve gained from what I call the Great Pause.

We almost always fear great upheaval. In this case, I wouldn’t wish the deaths and financial stress on anyone anywhere. I know this is hard for so many.

I am, by nature, an optimist and I always try to see what good any change brings me. For me, this Pause has given me many gifts and I’m grateful for them.