Kate Allen

Upgrading Your Mental Model – using Brooke Castillo’s The Model

Written by Kate • May 7, 2020 •
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Of the many things I’m grateful for from listening to Brooke Castillo’s work is her effective and concise distillation of the various approaches to upgrading our thoughts and our beliefs into what she calls the Model.

She’s taken Pema Chodron’s, Eckhart Tolle’s, Byron Katie‘s, Mike Dooley‘s, and Abraham‘s work and created a model that I find incredibly a helpful and illuminating method to unearth one’s thoughts and beliefs.

As you may know, there is a vast subconscious part of your brain that is constantly filling in missing details to make a coherent story out your reality, including helping you ignore facts and data that are in conflict with your current belief system and thoughts.

Your brain is constantly trying to optimize its processes to make much of your daily routine so efficient that you do much of it without conscious thought. Take, for instance, brushing your teeth. Or driving to work. How often do brush your teeth consciously, without dropping into future or past focused thoughts? Do you stand there, two times a day, and think about exactly which tooth you’re brushing and then carefully go on to the next tooth? Or do you, in fact, brush your teeth while your mind wanders to the future or the past, only to come back to the task at the end to make sure you’ve (probably) gotten all your teeth and to rinse and end the session?

And how often are you driving to work without your mind dropping into future or past focused thoughts? Likely not often, except in instances that require you to be fully present, like unusually high traffic, noticing a police car, etc.

This is by design. Your brain is optimizing all of your routine tasks so that it runs on autopilot, allowing your brain to both spend the least amount of energy and so that you don’t expend your finite amounts of focus and willpower on routines that don’t require focus and willpower.

Further, the brain can’t focus on everything so there is a process in your brain that constrains all the input from your ears, eyes, and other senses that allow for it to filter out data that isn’t required and to stop the data from becoming something you’re consciously aware of. Think of your (now subconscious) beliefs and thoughts as gateways to your conscious brain and almost anything that doesn’t fit into your beliefs and thoughts are not allowed access to your conscious thoughts.

So you must choose beliefs and thoughts that serve you. Are your thoughts and beliefs the best ones you can choose? If there are some, or many, that can be improved to help you live a happier and more joyful life, one that feels more authentic and purposeful, the Model is a great tool to help you unearth your current thinking and instead change your thoughts to those that serve you better.

A quick note, Brooke Castillo has stated that the Model‘s precepts are like gravity- no one invented gravity or can patent it, it’s just the way things work. And her Model is one way of explaining how the brain works. So she encourages wide dissemination and usage of it. We all have full permission to use it.

The Model

The Model is as follows: there is a circumstance in your life that is entirely neutral. It is. You have loads of money. Or you have loads of debt. You weigh more than you’d like. Or your maintaining your goal weight easily and effortlessly. Trump is President. There is a pandemic. On and on with current reality. It just is.

However, what you think about that circumstance is totally up to you and your thoughts drive your feelings when you think that thought, your actions are based on those feelings, and the results are derived from your actions.

Here’s the not surprising ending: your thoughts about a circumstance drive your feelings and subsequent actions and usually gets results that reinforce the thoughts about the circumstance- so your results almost always remain constant and are the same.

The Model is written as follows:

Circumstance (C): neutral facts that can be verified

Thoughts (T): your thoughts about the C

Feelings (F): the feelings that come up based on your T

Actions (A): the actions that you take from the F based on the T

Results (R): what happens after the action taken

An Example of the Model:

Because weight loss is easy to model and so many people invest massive amounts of thought, will, time, money and energy into losing weight, it’s a good example.

Unintentional Thoughts about Weight Loss Model:

C: I’ve never been able to sustain my weight loss for more than a few months.

Note: this is a fact. Thoughts such as “weight loss is hard for me” or “I should weight 135 lbs” or “I want to weigh 135 lbs” or “I’m not good at losing weight” are not circumstances and possibly aren’t true. Certainly they are not neutral facts. All of those are thoughts. And any judgements about this circumstance is a thought.

T: I’ve never been able to lose weight easily. Weight loss is really hard for me and I’m not sure I can do it.

Note: This is what may come up for you when you take the neutral circumstance. There may be many thoughts that you’ll want to model in order to upgrade and change them.

F: Anger. Blame (on your parents, your genes, your past). Victimization. Blame. Lack of control, of pleasure. Deprivation.

Note: The thought that” losing weight is hard for you” doesn’t serve you and instead drives a lot of disempowering feelings. I can see no empowering feelings flowing from a thought that weight loss is hard.

A: Trying a new diet and cheating on it. Cheating on the new plan and then quitting the plan. Changing to a new plan. Not planning on all.

Note: the actions the flow from disempowering thoughts and feeling are going to keep you stuck and, in fact, continue to reinforce the thought that weight loss is hard.

R: Weight loss either doesn’t happen or isn’t sustained (reinforcing the thought and the associated belief)

Intentional Thoughts about Weight Loss Model:

C: I’ve never been able to sustain my weight loss for more than a few months.

Note: The circumstance shouldn’t change. You’re not trying to change the circumstances to suit your thoughts. You’re trying to change your thoughts about the circumstances to better thoughts. Trying to change your circumstances helps you avoid your disempowering thoughts, which lead to continued disempowering feelings, actions, and suboptimal results.

T: What’s happened in that past has no bearing on my ability to lose weight.

OR I’ve never understood what’s driving my self-sabotage and now I do/will.

OR I’m absolutely committed to losing weight. I will not quit on myself.

OR I now trust myself to follow my new plan.

Note: Any of these thoughts are better and lead to much more empowered feelings and actions. You do have to believe these new thoughts, which may take some work and additional thought modeling before you can truly believe them. It’s ok. You have the time and there is no rush to live your best life. The process is the point.

F: Powerful. Committed. Loving. Resilient. Responsible. Focused (Etc). Willing to fail and keep to the plan.

Note: These feelings help you take feel good and take action from a much better place. These feelings don’t drive actions that keep the status quo.

A: Quit dieting and commit to a new way of eating. Take stock of current eating without judgement. Stumble through a cheat and immediately recommit. Try a new supportive podcast to keep me motivated. Create a plan for eating that is achievable from where I am now. Continue examining my thoughts and beliefs.

Note: With actions stemming from powerful feelings, you can continue to reach for better feeling thoughts that keep driving better actions and results. Follow your thoughts and keep doing the model!

R: A more permanent change about examining my thoughts. A better outlook. Better feelings and likely -weight loss.

The Key Is to Manage Your Thoughts

The truth is that the mind likes routine, no matter the routine. It take some planning, new thought, and commitment to surmount the mind’s preference for an old routine. But once the new, more supportive routine has been practiced enough times, then the mind is fine with that new routine being the new normal. It’s a bit tricky, but you can change your thinking and change your life.

Practice and Write It Down

I suggest practicing with the Model on a daily basis for 30 days, minimum, or habitually for the rest of your life as you’ll continue to uncover thoughts that don’t serve you. You can first write down your current thoughts in a stream of consciousness way in a journal. Then choose any of them that speak to you and do the Model on that thought.

It’s important to write it down so that it’s there in black and white and that your brain doesn’t trip you up with vague or sloppy thinking. Which it so wants to do to keep you from changing the current routine. Your brain is looking at your life and saying, “you’re not dead or in danger so that is working. Don’t change it. You may be miserable and unhappy but you’re not dead.” So it’s happy to keep tricking you. Writing it down helps your conscious mind see the truth.

This is a simple, quick overview and I hope it helps. I love it and use it daily myself.

Noticing How You Handle Discomfort

Written by Kate • May 4, 2020 •
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Have you ever noticed what your habits are in regards to discomfort? The first time I was asked to think on my relationship and habits with discomfort, I was in a yoga class with a really gifted teacher, Nadine McNeil. She had us in a position where we started out in child’s pose and then had us move our arms into prayer position above our head, but on a block in front of us- if you can imagine that. It was intensely uncomfortable on my triceps and shoulders and after just a few moments, I wanted to move away from the pose. Nadine told us then that it was incredibly uncomfortable but it was an important pose for flexibility and asked us to use the moment to reflect on our habits in regards to discomfort.

I’ve often asked myself this questions in the months since. This morning during my meditation session, my shoulder, hips, and ankles were protesting about staying in the meditation pose. I nearly quit but then I remembered to ask myself about my commitment and my ability to endure discomfort (not pain!) to get to my goal. And so I stayed meditating and not surprisingly, when I recommitted to my meditation practice and told myself it was just 20 more minutes, most of my aches went away. I was able to easily make it another 13 minutes before sensations of discomfort again arose. And then it was just 7 more minutes and then it was done.

Revealing My Blindspots

I love it when my everyday life awakens me to habits and thoughts that have been mostly unconscious to me. In this case, meditation for over an hour is important to me because my meditation practice really deepens after about 45 minutes so the remaining 35 minutes are much more peaceful and centered than the swirling maelstrom of thoughts and idea of the initial 45 minutes.I want that more than I want to stop the discomfort of the moment.

Our Primitive Brain’s Message

Often our primitive brain wants use to move away from discomfort. It’s in the driver’s seat when we’re not present and shining the light of consciousness on our every day acts. It’s one of our primitive brain’s purpose- to keep us safe. But without experiencing discomfort (not pain!), we don’t grow. We never get out of our comfort zone and we never really can master anything new without experience some initial discomfort- right up until it becomes our new normal.

Start Noticing Today

Start noticing how automatic it’s become to move away from any discomfort, physical or mental. Notice it without judgement. And then begin to lean into the discomfort, little by little. Soon enough, it’ll be your new normal and you can uplevel your baseline.

How To Establish a Meditation Space

Written by Kate • April 3, 2020 •
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I live way out in the country in western, northern Virginia on 6 acres where it’s so quiet and still. On the one hand, I love it for myself. But since my children have arrived, I would like closer neighbors so they can run out and hang out easily. Still, during this lockdown I feel so grateful for all our space for them to run around in the sun.

I’ve been sure to keep my meditation practice consistent, despite the rare times when I don’t feel like it. I’m currently on a 70+ day consecutive meditation stretch. It’s a priority right now, to help me center myself and reconnect with Divine everyday. I get grounded and I’m a better human, partner, parent, and mentor to my clients.

Some days when my kids wake up extra early, they find me at the tail end of my mediation session. My son has lately taken to lying down with me in my lap (they’re 5 years old) and it’s clear he enjoys the stillness and the quiet time too.

Today, while I writing this, long after my morning meditation time, he asked to come in and rest on my meditation mat. I lit the candles for him to enjoy but he’s 5 and he blew them out after playing with his breath on them after a bit. But then he laid down and snuggled in and just rested in the silence. I love seeing him recharge in the quiet, just being still. Makes this mama’s heart explode with joy that he’s taking the time to be.

So I wanted to share with you my thoughts on creating a meditation space and some lessons learned.

My Experience

First is that we have a large house and I actually created what I call my zen room. It’s my space and no one gets to hang out in here except with my permission. I love to have that space.

I know that’s not practical for many people so I recommend trying to find even a corner of a room that you can set up with some sort of altar and candles and other artifacts that bring you joy. For me, in addition to my Buddha and candles on my altar, all of my favorite pieces from my travels are here.

It brings me such joy to see them and I love them after all these years. Near my altar, I have my green and yellow batik from Zimbabwe, my apsara from Cambodia, a framed picture from my walking trip to Ireland, a replica of a window from one of my trips to Nepal, and two antelope statues, chiwaras, from a trip to Mali.

What I’ve put behind me on the opposite wall also supports my joy. I have a framed picture from Haiti, a peacock from India, some pieces like carved tusks of twins from my time as a Peace Corps volunteer in Benin, some pieces of blanket from Niger, a martini pitcher from my maternal grandparents that was passed to me upon my Mom’s death, a canister from another trip to Nepal, and another bust of the Buddha- again from my trip to Cambodia.

I also have a desk and a computer in here. I do use the desk for journaling and working on this business. Originally when we moved here, I used to work in this room (back when I was still at a J O B) but I found the more job work I did here, the less sacred this room became. I found other places in the house to work and that really boosted my sense of the sacred every time I enter this room.

In fact, I no longer wear any shoes in this room because it just feels wrong. And I ask everyone to take their shoes off before entering as well. It just feels too special for me to have anyone, including me, to treat it as anything else.

My How-To Ideas on Setting up a Meditation Space

Choose the Space

Set up a space that is solely devoted to your meditation, journaling and other activities that are devoted to establishing and maintaining your connection with the Divine, to centering, and to grounding you.

If you have young children like I do, you’ll have to enforce the notion that this space is just for you hundreds of time. But soon enough, with you setting consistent boundaries, they will be respected.

Set up the Altar and Choose Items that Help You Connect

I ordered a two-tiered altar on Etsy. On the top tier, I have a small statue of the Buddha, that I also got on Etsy. I have two candles with beautiful candles holder plates. On the bottom tier, I have an incense box that I used to light incense in during my meditation sessions. Since returning from Bali a few months ago, I can’t burn the incense because it bothers my lungs. I also have a prayer wheel from a trip to Nepal and looking at it gives me a zing of a connection to the Divine.

I likely will be getting a devotional candle of some sort of Christian theme soon because my issues with the Church seem to have resolved and I’m getting back to a deep love and devotion to the Christ.

You can also put items from your vision board or other inspirational items, like a picture of a child if you’re trying to get pregnant or something that represents abundance to you, like money, pictures of money, a waterfall or anything that really speaks to you. Other ideas include pictures to help you be peaceful, such as the ocean, open vistas, or whatever speaks to you.

Keep the Room In Use for Just Your Meditation and other Soulful Activities

As I mentioned, in using this room for work for a short time, the energy of the room shifted and it no longer felt inviting or sacred. Once I noticed the feeling and correctly diagnosed the issue, I keep the room solely for my soul work. (see what I did there?)

Use it!

Of course, you should use it and keep coming back to your meditation practice no matter the stories your mind is telling you about whether or not you “feel” like it or that it’s not fun or maybe that meditation isn’t working for you. It is. Trust the process and get still and silent and allow whatever is arise and fall away and arise and fall away. I like the app Insight Timer to track my meditation sessions both in terms of being a timer as well as number of sessions and other stats. But there are many out there so you may find something else works for you.

What does your meditation room look like? What’s on your altar? I’d love to see pictures for inspiration!

What Are You Reading- On the Bookshelf

Written by Kate • March 31, 2020 •
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I have some time these days, during our Covid19 lockdown. Not that much more than I did before, given I’m taking care of 5 year old twins. But there is some time now that the kids can entertain themselves so I’m catching up on some oldies but goodies.

I have a friend, Hema, who posted at the beginning of this year that she intends to go deep on all her programs and books rather than wider and keep buying new books and spreading herself too thin.

I think this is a great idea. I’ve spent a great deal of money on programs and books I haven’t finished. So I too am finally starting (and finishing!) books that have long been on my bookshelf or my Kindle.

The one I’m reading right now is the Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford. In the past, I might have read the book but not done the exercises. Now, I’m chapter 6 of 10 and I’ve actually done the previous chapters’ exercises. It’s been enlightening.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I do pray daily to have the veil lifted from my eyes so that I can know the truth and be shown my blind spots. So this book is extremely helpful already, just half way through,in illuminating the way I’m denying my shadow self and rejecting and fiercely judging those who exhibit my shadow self. I love what the exercises are showing me.

Two things she said helped me really visualize the deepening process.

1 – she said that we are like castles and we have many hundreds or even thousands of rooms in ourselves. As children, we have no shame about these rooms whether they’re hateful, childish, loving, mean, funny, joyful, or selfish. We just are. And then the people in our lives tell us that some aspect of ourself is wrong and unacceptable. To survive, we turn off the light and lock the door to that room. As we age, we forget that we even had that room and hide the key. Like taking a coin when we were young and hide it. We wouldn’t remember where we had left if 30 years later, or even that we’d done it.

She quotes Gunther Bernard, “we choose to forget who we are and then forget we’ve forgotten”.

I did the exercise for the chapter and I could feel the rooms light up. Not that I know them yet but I could see and feel the lights flicker on- through the suggested visualization. Very cool. I love breakthroughs.

2- if you spot it, you’ve got it. I’m paraphrasing here, but she points out that if something really bothers us in someone else, it’s because we hate that about us. She gives a great visual that it’s like our chest is giant space for electrical outlets. For aspects of ourself that we’ve integrated, there is no charge when we ponder the concept of how the other person is acting. But for things we despise in others, it’s like there is a cord that plugs directly into our chest and we get an electrical surge whenever we think on this attribute or ponder the person.

Through her exercises, I am able to see that I’m all the things I’ve spotted and judged in others. And it’s so clear through her exercises.

I also see that the things are I truly admire in others are the flip side. I also have those qualities and attributes in myself.

I highly recommend her book and doing the exercises. You likely will find it quite illuminating to your shadow self (see what I did there? ROFL).

Using the Lockdown for your advantage- How to Set and Keep A Goal –

Written by Kate • March 30, 2020 •
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I recently read a post on FB about how now is not the time to keep exercising or learning how to play an instrument, because of anxiety and stress about the coronavirus.

This is, of course, a perfectly valid way to live your life. Give your brain free rein and let it freak you out and hijack how you spend your days. Living in fear, passing on fear to others, and making decisions out of fear (or stress or anxiety).

Or you can clean up your mental hygiene and give yourself permission to not freak out or indulge in your anxiety, even if the REST OF THE WORLD IS.

You simply (simple but perhaps hard to do) change your thinking about the situation. Rather than stress about what you can’t control, allow your mind to tell you what it fears, acknowledge that, and then consciously search out the opposite of the fears of what your brain is telling you. For example, you can say that the economy is tanking and global recession and job loss – feeling the total fear and anxiety from this. You can then look at where there are bright spots; government stimulus, grocery stores and online businesses doing really well. People able to continue working at home, helping neighbors, and more.

You Have 30 (or 60?) Days. What Will You Do With It

You have 30+ more days of this lock down. Do you really want to stress out and over eat and over drink to manage your anxiety? Or do you want to maybe come out of the lockdown with the ability to play the piano? Or having lost 8 lbs? Or having read your full reading list? Or having all of your closets organized and your house finally deep cleaned?

After spending a week coming to terms with our new reality and allowing myself to freak out a bit and come up with a new normal, I’m excited about all that I can accomplish over the next month. I personally have set my goals and I’m looking forward to working on a bit of them each day, until the 30 days is up.

Anxiety Gets You Nowhere

Anxiety will keep your brain laser focused on all the threats outside. Update your thinking by updating your thoughts, whatever that looks like for you. All you have in your control are your thoughts about your circumstances. Get excited about how you can use this opportunity for changing habits and updating behavior.

Set Your Goal

To make it easier, come up with one goal for the next 30 days. Because it’s easy and measurable, I will use the example of weight loss. Many of us are over eating right now, unable to get to the gym or our yoga class, and the fridge is RIGHT THERE every day all day. So you’ve got 30 days, or 4.25 weeks. That’s say, an 8 lbs weight loss for the month. Or you can organize all your closets this month. You’ve got 8 (or 5 or 12) closets, that means two per week of it’s 8 closets.

How to Set and Keep Your Goal

Set out your measurable goal. Break it down into bite sized tasks (no pun intended).

If it’s weight loss, what is your plan of attack? Will you be reducing your carbs? Will you be using intermittent fasting to kick start your weight loss? Get specifics what what will change. Then plan for tomorrow. If you’re doing IF (which I do), plan for your window opening and closing tomorrow and stick with it. Plan your meals (and for your family’s if applicable).

If it’s your closets, look at your closets and really catalogue mentally what’s in there . Allow your brain to start working out what should go and what should stay. Allow your brain to work on how to solve what you’ll do with the stuff that needs to go. Will you trash it? Will you put it in the garage to give away? When do you have time to start organizing? Two per weekend? 1 hour per day? Let you brain loose.

Use visualization each morning and night to keep you motivated and focused. Really imagine the scale at the end of the month showing you the new weight. Feel your body and how much better you sleep and how much looser your clothes will be. Really get into it and allow yourself to feel the buzz. Your brain will get to work while you sleep, helping you come up with ways to solve this puzzle.

Think of the closets and how much lighter you’ll feel being able to use the closets quickly and easily and that you’re no longer burdened with items you don’t want. Picture them as complete neat and tidy. Again, your brain will get to work while you sleep, helping you come up with ways to solve this puzzle.

Keep Changing Your Thoughts to Those That Serve You

If your brain comes up with something about how you can’t get it done, notice your thoughts and upgrade the thought. Allow it to be and allow it yourself to acknowledge it as it really it. And then change the thought to one that will serve and empower you, allowing you to feel better.

Rinse. Repeat. Rinse. Repeat. You have 30 days to use. Use them to serve you.

And then do the work. Open and close your IF window. Use the weekend to clean your closets. No excuse. Just do it. It’s 30 days.

You got this!